Where is home?

*another post from the morning cycle-rickshaw journey to the office

As I leave my cozy and warm apartment, walk down to the road and see the image of what most people called as real life in Ghaziabad, I start to think about my definition of home and how it evolves time by time.

When I was small and very short (like about from the feet till the elbow of my Mom when she stands)

My home is my parent's house...

Then, I forgot when it was for exact, maybe the time when my brother entering the kindergarten, so I was about 6 or 7, my father start to give me a huge responsibility: He gave me my own room. He told me that I can't make any mess in the house anymore and I have to put all my stuffs in my room. Then, it also came along with other responsibilities such as I have to take care of it, I have to sweep and mop the floor everyday, clean the dust on the table, and make the bed by myself in the morning. Ah ya! He also gave me a size of me (by then) mirror which have a small cupboard on it and he told me that he would not brush my hair again and I should put all my make up and accessories there. Plus, he gave me some lectures about being woman and being safe. Then, it followed by another rule that everyone who want to come to my room should knock the door first and I have right to chose whether I want to open it or not. NICE!

Since then, home is my room in my parent's house..

As I got accepted in university at different city, I start to live in a "kos-kosan". In Indonesia, it's a house which the owner still lives there and he/she rent all of the room for university students or recent graduates.  

Well, home is where my room is :)  

In 2012, as I got promoted in my career, I moved in Thailand. Some circumstances happened about housing and accommodation as well as I traveled to other cities or countries most of the time. So I don't exactly have room. I slept on the mattress, on the floor with my suitcase, on the couch of somebody's place, on the bed in house/hostel/hotel, on the bench of the airport, on the bus, on the plane, on the train, anywhere that I can sleep :D On those particular times, I called home is a place that I can have a rest.

Then, I started to feel home on my sleeping place (whatever it is) and every time I step my feet on the area of airport after checking time.

But during on the move, there was a special place that I always longing for. I thought the feeling will be gone as I visit Jakarta or Surabaya or Malang, but it was not. It was my bed on my room in Bangkok.      

So, I said, home is where I have my bed in it.

However, on June-July 2012, my home members started to continue their journey and some new home members came in. I started to feel my soul was scattered away. I feel incomplete.

Finally, I understood what people say as "Home is where the heart is"

Despite all of those realizations, I sometimes still have some mix match feeling about home. As time goes by, I learn to not be attach with any materials and any mortal thing. Well, as my rickshaw slowly got close to my destination, I made a conclusion that...

Home is where I am right now in the moment

Surviving is boring, yet suicide is definitely not an option!

Two days ago, I just realized that surviving is boring!

As what happened to me these days (well, months), with all the circumstances and what-so-ever it is about disability in looking for progress of all trials. I decided to stop all proactivity attitude and just being passive on everything that happens around me then observe as a guest, as an outsider.

Then my routines looks like this:

• sleeping
• go to office, desperately being the witness of economic disparity in Ghaziabad then start to think about life and get demotivated
• in the office, do whatever it is impassionately and without knowing the reason why should I do that. Just do and get the stipend
• having lunch
• doing unproductive work again
• going back home, thinking about the meaning of life, why am I doing this and that? why and why?
• random-ing around in the house
• having super late dinner
• sleeping again

In summary, I will get more demotivated by looking at my life is about sleeping, eating, desperate and demotivated, random-ing around like zombie. Well, if I want to be a little bit positive, at least I can say that my most productive activities are take a shower, laundry and body metabolism activities. 

well, well...

My survival activities are boring!

I thought surviving will be exciting :(

One day ago, I realized suicide is definitely not an option for me!

On the way back home, behind the super-hard-working rickshaw driver who is pulling the rickshaw, as usual I was thinking about life then I got an enlightenment that I do really really consciously realized that I REALLY LOVE MY LIFE!!!! 

Well, the contemplation was going like this:

1. I got bored, desperate and demotivated
2. Then I start to think about when will I finally end my experience here. I did some calculation about the contract, legal aspect and cost. I was so excited that finally I decided I will leave on 10 July 2013 to my net destination (which I still don't know where is it :p )
3. I realized that it is so fun and it was such a happy moment knowing when will you finish the term! 
4. I start to collecting my memories about my wishing list and to-do list. Then I got so excited by so many activities, wishes and hopes that I want to accomplish before I leave India.
5. Oh wait! my mind get reverse to number 3. Why do I so get excited knowing something will be ended? Will we always get excited by knowing when something will be ended? 
6. I start to make an analogy between this internship life and my life
7. Hmmm.. will I be this excited if I know when my life will be ended?
8. NO! I will be so sad if I know when my life will be ended :'( (even thinking about it makes me sad)
9. Why? Why? Why?
10. hmmmm....
11. why?
12. why?
13. ok! I have to admit that I really love my life! I love the people around me, I somehow still love the people from the past even though they don't exist anymore. I love my life! 
14. As my rickshaw approached my apartment, I make a conclusion that I love my life, I don't want to know when it will be ended, suicide is not an option, and definitely I will fight for my life! I will do everything to make my life will not just be a life :)    

So, what to do?

Yesterday, I remembered my conversation with one of my best friends. She told me that she knows me as someone who is not easy to give up, always striving, has positive attitude, happy and all people like me. Well, to be honest I felt like being judged (I don't know why, and I want to know why do I feel this way). 

Anyhooowww... she mentioned something important! 

STRIVING!  

Yes the STRIVING FOR EXCELLENT! 

In many training and conferences, I used to say "we aim to deliver the highest quality performance in everything we do. Through creativity and innovation we seek to continuously improve." how could I forget this!   

Yeah~ That is something that has been missing lately! I'm just survive as zombie! I should be survive and striving (like a vampire maybe, because they need blood to eat..whatever). Yeah! Striving is something that keeps me alive! Maybe striving is my state of nature, so I need it. Even though based on my experiences, my striving actions used to put me in so much trouble, I think I will be fine. If I would risk myself to be jailed because I was doing something that I believe. What stops me? 

OMG! I am so bored (=____=!)

Why? Why? Why? WHYYY???!?!?!?!?!

I AM SO BORED!!!
This is so boring!!

and I don't know why :( :( :( :(

for the first time in my life, I'm hoping that I will get fired so that I will have excuse to leave this path and start another path :( but will I be happy if I get fired?


will I feel ashamed if I get fired? well well, we shouldn't think what people might think about us. this is our life, we shouldn't let others do any projection into your life.

oh my.. I don't even know why should I talk here? why don't I talk with somebody personally? but who is that somebody? and will that somebody give a helpful suggestion?

OMG! This is so boring!


anyway, for many times in my life, I always get bored with something. why is it so easy for me to get bored? I really get bored easily with everything (=__=!) I still remember about:

• when I was kid, like still in the nursery school, I used to join my aunties to visit my relatives and have sleep over time there. why? I don't know. maybe I'm bored with my parent's house.
• I start to sleep over in my friend's house since I was 2nd grade of primary school. why? I don't know. maybe it's fun to feel belong to other families.
• I didn't continue my electone music class, why? hmmm actually I'm kinda like it, but I don't know why I should do that. and to be honest, actually I had 2 stupid reasons for quitting the class. It was because I was afraid with the teacher who has different religion with my family and I've been told that the particular religion is our enemy (=___=!) Another thing, it was because the majority of the class are from different ethnic group with me, and I've been told that the particular ethnic group treats my ethnic group badly (=___=!) aahhh what a poor innocent kid I used to be (=___=!)
• I stop my painting class when I was 9, just because it has the same schedule with The Turbo Ranger time. I still remember, it was every Wednesday 4 PM GMT+7
• Recently, I stop my Kathak Dance class, because I get bored with it :( if I have to find excuses, it will be: the movement is too slow, the music is not rhythmic enough for me, I don't like routine. If I have to dance, I want something that jumping around :D well well.. anyway, I remember that those are the same excuse that I gave for the previous Indonesian classic dance that I took (=__=!)
• Not only that, I also get bored easily with relationship. I think one of the reason why do I like to maintain friendship with many people and I can't belong to any gank or chic group is because I can't spend my time with the same group or people all the time.
• Talking about more serious one. To be honest, I also get bored easily with boys (=__=!) Once they want to have more serious relationship, the more I want to avoid them and bailed out of the commitment. In short, once I got them, I start to plan out the strategy how to break the relationship. oh my! am I in a trouble?

I think the longest commitment that I have ever made in my life was with my activities with the community behind my parent's house (4-5 years, stopped because I'm afraid with the boys), the Girl Scout (7 years, stopped because I don't like the attitude of the leaders), Junior Achievement (about 3 years and counting) and AIESEC (5 years and counting). Why? I think I should find the reason behind it to make my life not just about surviving.

hmmm... why? why? why? maybe...

• I feel that I have responsibilities
• I have the ownership of what I'm doing
• I understand the reason behind why I'm doing it
• I have a lot of space to put my idea into actions
• I believe in the organization and the activities that I'm doing is leading into something
• No one told me what I have to do, or if there is somebody told me what to do, I understand why do I have to do it
• I can see that I make progress on something that I'm doing
• I'm living in my dream, I know that what I do will make a change
• I feel that I have power and ability to do something

well well... what.to.do?

hmmm.. actually, I knew the reason why do I get bored here. After do some exercise in Business Model You book, I understood why do I feel uncomfortable and not alive these days (oh well.. these months). It is because my current working environment locus of area is contradictive with my locus area then my current key activities are not align with the things that I want to do.

In short: I AM TOTALLY LIVING OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE.

which actually good! I have a lot of opportunities to get improved :)

hmm. I thought living outside comfort zone won't be boring. I thought it will be exciting. I feel like something wrong here! what-to-do?

well, so far.. before I'm able to make the change of my key activities, this is something that keep me alive, a tweet from one of my best friends few days ago:

for whatever hard it is, however tough it is, get up and walk ahead! :)

copyright: Maria Bernadet K.D., 2012