Surviving is boring, yet suicide is definitely not an option!

Two days ago, I just realized that surviving is boring!

As what happened to me these days (well, months), with all the circumstances and what-so-ever it is about disability in looking for progress of all trials. I decided to stop all proactivity attitude and just being passive on everything that happens around me then observe as a guest, as an outsider.

Then my routines looks like this:

• sleeping
• go to office, desperately being the witness of economic disparity in Ghaziabad then start to think about life and get demotivated
• in the office, do whatever it is impassionately and without knowing the reason why should I do that. Just do and get the stipend
• having lunch
• doing unproductive work again
• going back home, thinking about the meaning of life, why am I doing this and that? why and why?
• random-ing around in the house
• having super late dinner
• sleeping again

In summary, I will get more demotivated by looking at my life is about sleeping, eating, desperate and demotivated, random-ing around like zombie. Well, if I want to be a little bit positive, at least I can say that my most productive activities are take a shower, laundry and body metabolism activities. 

well, well...

My survival activities are boring!

I thought surviving will be exciting :(

One day ago, I realized suicide is definitely not an option for me!

On the way back home, behind the super-hard-working rickshaw driver who is pulling the rickshaw, as usual I was thinking about life then I got an enlightenment that I do really really consciously realized that I REALLY LOVE MY LIFE!!!! 

Well, the contemplation was going like this:

1. I got bored, desperate and demotivated
2. Then I start to think about when will I finally end my experience here. I did some calculation about the contract, legal aspect and cost. I was so excited that finally I decided I will leave on 10 July 2013 to my net destination (which I still don't know where is it :p )
3. I realized that it is so fun and it was such a happy moment knowing when will you finish the term! 
4. I start to collecting my memories about my wishing list and to-do list. Then I got so excited by so many activities, wishes and hopes that I want to accomplish before I leave India.
5. Oh wait! my mind get reverse to number 3. Why do I so get excited knowing something will be ended? Will we always get excited by knowing when something will be ended? 
6. I start to make an analogy between this internship life and my life
7. Hmmm.. will I be this excited if I know when my life will be ended?
8. NO! I will be so sad if I know when my life will be ended :'( (even thinking about it makes me sad)
9. Why? Why? Why?
10. hmmmm....
11. why?
12. why?
13. ok! I have to admit that I really love my life! I love the people around me, I somehow still love the people from the past even though they don't exist anymore. I love my life! 
14. As my rickshaw approached my apartment, I make a conclusion that I love my life, I don't want to know when it will be ended, suicide is not an option, and definitely I will fight for my life! I will do everything to make my life will not just be a life :)    

So, what to do?

Yesterday, I remembered my conversation with one of my best friends. She told me that she knows me as someone who is not easy to give up, always striving, has positive attitude, happy and all people like me. Well, to be honest I felt like being judged (I don't know why, and I want to know why do I feel this way). 

Anyhooowww... she mentioned something important! 

STRIVING!  

Yes the STRIVING FOR EXCELLENT! 

In many training and conferences, I used to say "we aim to deliver the highest quality performance in everything we do. Through creativity and innovation we seek to continuously improve." how could I forget this!   

Yeah~ That is something that has been missing lately! I'm just survive as zombie! I should be survive and striving (like a vampire maybe, because they need blood to eat..whatever). Yeah! Striving is something that keeps me alive! Maybe striving is my state of nature, so I need it. Even though based on my experiences, my striving actions used to put me in so much trouble, I think I will be fine. If I would risk myself to be jailed because I was doing something that I believe. What stops me?